Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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