Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Are we still banned from the library?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can't turn off my feet"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
