i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
