No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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