its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
