yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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