wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
