He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
