please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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