i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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