you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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