I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
