Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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