tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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