Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i've created a new STD.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
