Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
