Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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