My first STD was from a foam party
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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