My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
