She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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