i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
