I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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