Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You took a bar mat shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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