I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
