Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
