My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
