I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
