I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
