You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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