you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize