I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
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