Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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