i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
