oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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