I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Houston, we have a blender
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
