there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just googled if crying burns calories
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
