Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
