he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
