the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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