Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.