awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
