Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Randomize
