she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We need to get me chipped asap
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
