This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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