your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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