By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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