plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
