and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
