My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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