Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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