Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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