You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
