Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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