i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
