"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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