wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This is my life. Enjoy the view
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
