why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day