were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
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She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
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Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to