y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever