My sheets look like a crime scene.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
