I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My underwear smells like fireworks.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
